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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24950689">where i unravel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamegirl1415/pseuds/gamegirl1415'>gamegirl1415</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, But whatever, Castiel Needs a Hug (Supernatural), Castiel-centric (Supernatural), Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), POV Castiel (Supernatural), not much fluff tho, not really any fluff actually</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:56:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>779</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24950689</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamegirl1415/pseuds/gamegirl1415</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel reflects on his life and accumulating regrets.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester &amp; Sam Winchester, Castiel &amp; Jack Kline, Castiel &amp; Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Castiel/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>where i unravel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>unbetaed, sorry for errors, I’ll go back and fix them later, just wanted to post this now :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Castiel, in his long, ever eternal seeming life, had never seen an angel quite like the one in the mirror. In fact, not many living things had seen an angel collapse in on itself like a dying star. At least, not so often it could give tragic greek mythological characters a run for their money.<br/>
That alone, was a tear-jerking sentence for an angel to be described as. A human, a very sad, very pathetic, very wasteful life.<br/>
But angels were supposed to mean something, they were supposed to protect those who could not defend themselves, it was their mission.<br/>
So why is it then, that every angel (from run-of-the-mill number crunchers to archangels) to cross Castiel’s path looked down on him with either pity or disgust.</p><p>     Castiel understood the dirty looks now. He understood how other angels had seen him through their high-and-mighty gazes from the moment he pulled Dean Winchester out of hell.</p><p>   What he couldn’t comprehend, was why he’d been looked down upon like that since his birth (or rather, creation). The other angels had always tiptoed around the young angel as if he might burst at any moment. He’d always felt either chided or reluctantly soothed. Tiny, unaware Castiel hadn’t known why, but of course, the other angels never seemed to have a justified reason either. It was as if they had been programmed to sense inevitable failure. Castiel spent his entire young life trying to escape the sad stares by becoming a real warrior, a model angel. </p><p>  He’d spent an odd hundred years or so earning the praise and admiration of his colleagues. This lead to him being chosen as one of the few angels to rescue Dean Winchester’s soul from hell, and being the only one to succeed.<br/>
His garrison, all of heaven had never been prouder. Castiel the brave, respected warrior, rescuer of one of the more important humans in history.<br/>
He wore that title like a child would wear a spelling bee medal. With pride and gratification swelling inside him.</p><p>   Naturally, he would be the one to communicate heaven’s plans to the Winchester’s.<br/>
Naturally, he would listen to their prayers and sorrow and plans to stop the apocalypse entirely.<br/>
Naturally, he would refuse his steadily growing, cherished fondness for the brothers and their companions by following heaven’s orders.<br/>
Naturally, his facade would crumble and he’d cave.</p><p>  Castiel supposed that was his first of many mistakes and failures.</p><p>   He wondered what it was about him that he couldn’t seem to stop failing. He was responsible for the leviathans being unleashed, and subsequently responsible for sending him and dean to purgatory. He was responsible for Sam’s weeks of turmoil, and his own turmoil which had rendered him useless until purgatory straightened him out. He was responsible for the fall of the angels, for Metatron’s manipulation on his brothers and sisters, and for the death of countless angels. He was responsible for Lucifer escaping the cage, for more years of trauma on the Winchesters and their friends, and so much more.<br/>
He was even at least partly responsible for the extinction of his own species.</p><p> Castiel wonders if he’ll ever be able to pay enough penance for the unforgiving things he’s done, even just in the past few years.<br/>
He thinks maybe the deal he made with the empty might pay some of it off. If he was being honest, he wasn’t sure if he deserved to be happy, or if that was even possible for him, and he wonders if—</p><p>  “Cas?” A familiar voice calls out, tapping him on the shoulder lightly, holding two drinks and passing one towards Castiel.<br/>
“Dean.” He sighs, gingerly taking the beer Dean had offered him.<br/>
They were in the bunker’s kitchen, Castiel slightly slumped over the table, fixing his posture upon noticing Dean’s arrival.</p><p>“You realize these have almost no effect on me.” It was more of a statement then a question, and Dean shrugs in response.<br/>
“You look like you need one.” He gives Castiel a light shoulder pat, and walks away.</p><p>   That’s when Castiel realizes something. He might not ever be able to pay penance, but he can continue to fight, he can continue to aid the Winchester’s, and he can continue to provide support.<br/>
It wasn’t like he didn’t have a family to fight for either, he had Jack, Sam, and Dean. People he would go to the ends of the earth and back for.<br/>
People he loved, people who needed him.<br/>
And, when the time came, the empty would take him. </p><p>  But for now, he’ll try and help locate a nest of vampires somewhere in southern Nevada, because that’s something he can do.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I made this while listening to ‘I follow rivers’ by lykke li the entire time Bc for some reason that song makes me sad :,)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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